Packing a Lip for Dummies
By Guest Author Max Bogaert.
We all know that baseball players get the most chicks. We may not possess the length of basketball players or the girth of football players, but throw on some eye black and stretchy pants, and you will be beating the ladies off with the shards of a Jake Walter broken bat.
As a proud member of the Prohibition Pirates of the Parkway, I’ve seen this miracle in action. Whether it’s Jeff Francis rejecting the lascivious offers from some potential baby’s mama at Ross Field or Chris Bettano nodding to some jailbait at Chelsea High School, even the most amateur ballplayer can snag a tasty athletic supporter.
When it comes to baseball player studs, there is one element that separates the ECABL from the Par…eh, beer league softball. If you want to snag a Pirates groupie, you need to know how to pack a lip, Chester.
Tobacco use is part of the game. All of the greats are proud supporters of the smokeless tobacco industry: Dustin Pedrioa. David Ortiz. Ed Cooney. But just like excellence on the field, it takes years of practice to master the art of appropriate dip use.
Without further ado, for all those smokeless tobacco virgins, here are some helpful hints to assist in popping your cherry and giving you balls worth the protection of your cup.
- Don’t over do it: Start out with just a small pinch. Even with an unassuming lip, women will already take notice. Trying to throw a hog in on your first try will result in disaster. It will be messy, you will panic, and you will probably swallow some of it. It only takes a few errant strands of tobacco to make you throw up like Dan Bertrand at a Saturday afternoon game in July. Much like some of the high school girls I’ve been with, it leads to taste aversion that can last.
- Pick a flavor that you like: Sure veterans like me can pack a horseshoe of Copenhagen straight. But is Skoal Berry Blend really what tickles your fancy? How about some vanilla? Sure, grape Grizzly is kind of gay, but it’s better than confirming your lack of balls as you boot all over yourself during warm-ups. If you do choose one of these wussier flavors, pack it in the car before you get out. All of the manly appearance with none of the judgment.
- Learn to love it: Once you get over the delightful head buzz, try to become more comfortable with your newest leafy green. Now that you can sit on the bench without throwing up, how about taking some BP? Or maybe play some catch? Is your technique still weak? Pack that lip on the drive to the game if you’re concerned about embarrassing yourself. It’s all about image, gentlemen.
- Quit whenever you want: It’s no secret that health officials, mothers, and Saad will all tell you you’re going to get cancer. Don’t listen to them. Use tobacco until you’re content, then move on to another habit. Never forget, you can quit whenever you want.
There you go, gentlemen. Now that you have some of a veteran’s knowledge, go out there and snag yourself a morally casual, amateur-baseball groupie.
Oh yeah. You’re welcome.
