Coach’s Corner

Dear Coach Walter,

Even though I’m hard at work with the launch of MLB TV, I just had to take the time to tell you that I have been a fan of the Prohibition Pirates for nearly 30+ seasons.  I have two questions that I have been DYING to ask you: first, how do you maintain those killer abs?  Secondly, and most importantly, what do you plan to do with your time when your playing days are over?

Sincerely,

Harold Reynolds(MLB TV host)

Thanks, Harry.

The short answer for the first question is that I’m in the gym 6-10 hours a day maintaining this god-like physique.

For the second, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my post-baseball career and here’s your answer: President of the United States.

My plate discipline and ability to organize the team should translate well to the role.  After foreign policy, the economy, health care, and the blah, blah, blah, here’s the meat and potatoes of my platform:

1. Baseball hats may only be worn one of two ways: straight ahead or backwards.  Anyone wearing their hat tilted to the side or any other “cool” way will be locked up for no less than 30 days.
2. If a restaurant/bar/sports arena/etc elects not to have paper towels in the bathroom, then they are required to have one of those heavy-duty blowers in there.  Those weak ones that do absolutely nothing are a waste of my time. You might as well just wipe your hands on your pants or bypass the sink altogether.
3. New Year’s will be relocated to June 1st.  Instead of cramming Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, AND New Years into the span of 4 weeks, why not space things out?  Plus, people in the northeast can enjoy their New Year’s celebration without having to bundle up and risk freezing their faces off.
4. When attending a sporting event, if you must leave your seat, you should do so at a break in the action, NOT when Big Papi is at the plate in the ninth inning of a one run game so you can beat traffic.  Wait until there is a mound visit, timeout or other stoppage in the game.  You ruin the view of everyone sitting around you.  It’s rude, inconsiderate and just plain idiotic.  I promise the beer will still be lukewarm, there will still be a line to the mens’ room, and the hot chick you spotted from two sections away will not be as awesome as you thought.  This goes for those arriving late to their seats.  Stand in the tunnel until a break in the action then hustle to your seats.  There’s nothing I hate more than the self-important jerks who show up mid-way through the second inning and look around trying to find their seats oblivious to the fact that some people are trying to watch a game.  The penalty for this crime is no less than 60 days in federal prison and a sports appreciation course once released.
5. TV channels will be the same across the country and for every service provider.  The channels will be federally regulated and never changed.  This will allow us to know that NBC will be channel 7 for Comcast in Boston, MA, and it will be channel 7 in Gnome, Alaska, and channel 7 in Kalamazoo, Michigan.  It’s ridiculous that the cable companies can jerk us around like that and make us relearn a whole new channel lineup every 6 months.

In 40 or 50 years, when my playing career is winding down, I’ll reevaluate these points.  I’m sure that there will be other pressing issues affecting America, but if we all stick to these major points, everything else will be cream cheese.

-Coach Walter

(Jake Walter can be seen this Saturday from 1-2pm at the Extra Innings in Woburn.  He’ll be sweating profusely and trying his best to not look like a fool in the batting cages.)

Ask the Coach abs, ECABL, Harold Reynolds, Mailbag, Parkway Pirates, President