How to Keep Your Composure in the Clutch
By Dan Bertrand
Joe Montana driving the San Francisco 49ers downfield to win Super Bowl XXIIII. Tiger Woods putting on the 18th green at Torrey Pines. L. Ron Hubbard making up all that crazy shit about aliens. What do they all have in common? Individuals who transcended the boundaries of space and time to perform miraculous feats on the grandest of scales. These men (and Thetans) are the very definition of clutch. Through their examples, and a few easy-to-follow tips, you too can learn how to keep your composure when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds.
What is clutch?
The Oxford English Dictionary defines clutch as: 1) a mechanism for transmitting rotation, 2) a nest of eggs, or 3) a woman’s handbag. Therefore, it’s no wonder so many of baseball’s greatest players were frittata-addicted cross-dressers who constantly twirled about. They couldn’t get enough! The next time you watch highlights of a hobbled Kirk Gibson hitting the game-winning homer in Game 1 the 1988 World Series, know that he needed to gorge on deviled eggs in the lingerie section of a Santa Monica J.C. Penny to make it happen. Want to be like legendary Cardinals hurler Jerome “Dizzy” Dean? You’d need to ride carousels for hours before every big game to even come close. In fact, contrary to popular belief, the “Gas House Gang” got their name not so much for blue collar play and shabby uniforms, but for the egg-induced flatulence that brought many opponents to tears.
Of course, all that is just the end result of being clutch. How do you make yourself a clutch player? There are four basic tips:
1.) Pre-game preparation: Producing results in tense situations begins long before you take a game-winning swing, make a diving catch or toss a knee-buckling curveball. No matter what obstacles you face getting to the game, you need to maintain a laser-like focus in order to get up at the big moment. This means preparing your body and your mind. Most people remember to stretch or take a light jog. While this is important, it is only half the battle. You must also mentally prepare for your big moment. Don’t forget the importance of lining your hat with aluminum foil to keep both your opponents and the federal government from reading your thoughts. Even one stray thought can betray your intentions. I can’t tell you how many called-shot-surprise-bunt moves were ruined by omitting this step.
NOTE: Most fields don’t have readily available bathrooms. This could derail you if you don’t prepare properly.
2.) Ready your equipment: The best gloves are made of the youngest, most endangered animal skin on the black market. Don’t let Rawlings fool you with their cowhide or Nokona woo you with their kangaroo skin gloves. The Mr. October’s of the world go straight for the hide of a baby South China Tiger or a Northern White Rhinoceros. This is the good stuff. As for your bat, regardless of the material, it should require at least 10 acres of rain forest to produce. Maple bats are preferred by many major league players who believe they’re more durable and provide a harder hitting surface. Personally, I use them because, like a schizophrenic, they tend to snap easily and cause major injury to all those around them.
3.) STAY CALM!!!: Think of something encouraging. It may help to recount a personal experience that had a positive outcome. If I were you, I’d think about the time you ate all that expired baby food and didn’t get sick or that warm summer day with your father when he cracked the car windows before locking you in the mall parking lot for the afternoon. The bottom line is comfort. Find a happy place, believe in yourself and don’t let your team down!
4.) Entrance music: Now that you are prepared, the last step is style. Many professionals set the mood by having entrance music. For example, Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell plays “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath before his at-bats and Yankee closer Mariano Rivera jogs out from the bullpen to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.” I prefer “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. or anything by Korean pop star Kim Jong Kook. The key is you need to signal to the fans something big is about to happen. Also, you should try to wear as many Phiten necklaces as possible. Their secret Japanese titanium powers intimidate your average Western players.
Congratulations! You are now set to be the next Bernie Carbo, Francisco Cabrera or Joe Carter. Unfortunately, you could also be well on your way to being the next Pat Darcy, Donnie Moore or Mike Torrez. Best case scenario, the guy before you hits into a double play to end the game. It saves you from making the last out and enables you to continue your claim of never failing in the clutch!
