Coach’s Corner

In the past, the Prohibition Pirates of the Parkway have taken a laissez-faire attitude toward our brethren throughout the world. While the PPoP choose a different path, we certainly enjoy the antics of our fellow pirates. In particular, we have taken great pleasure in celebrating the successes of the pirates off the coast of Somalia.

At first, they seemed like harmless thrill seekers. Most reports described the experience as something similar to being held captive by a host family while studying abroad. (I have heard particularly good stories about nude family sauna hour in some Scandinavian countries.) However, in recent days, the Somali pirates have proved to be unsavory, blood-thirsty scoundrels and not the horribly confused men living out a 17th-century delusion that we previously believed them to be.

Their actions over the last several days leave the PPoP with no alternative. we must disavow our ties with them immediately. Incidentally, it has also lead us to reconsider contracting them to find us a left-handed pitcher. In retrospect, we probably shouldn’t have suggested they accomplish that goal, “by any means necessary.”

Alas, while we can tolerate mildly inconveniencing European tourists on overpriced cruises, we cannot stand idly by as they engage in gunfights with U.S. Navy SEALs and fire upon planes carrying U.S. Congressmen. It is diametrically opposed to our goals of curing global warming and turning crisp double plays.

As a formal declaration from all rostered PPoP players on the thirteenth day of April in the year of our Lord two thousand and nine, we let it be known that no pirates who engage in foul play in the waters of the Indian Ocean will receive safe harbor along our Parkway.

We understand there may potentially be collateral losses as a result of this edict. Most notably, pirate groupies with relaxed moral standards. As a corollary to this PPoP Doctrine, we will grant asylum to any of these poor women who require shelter from pirates better endowed with the ability to care for them. Acceptance of loot, booty or anything else of value will be determined on a case-by-case basis.

This funny business has gone on long enough. Sure, we all had a good laugh at first. But just like Baseball Fantasy Camp, eventually you realize that your chance to be an infamous swashbuckler is never going to come to fruition. You can keep trying, but eventually Bill Mazeroski will kindly break into your sobs and, straining his voice over the 5,000th rotation of “We Are Family,” will tell you it is time to go home. Someone needs to let these guys know that their week is over. They can keep the uniforms, but they have to go home.

Pirates Tips on Life, Pirates in the News advice, Moral Imperative, Parkway Pirates, Piracy, PPoP, Social Contract

By Dan Bertrand

Joe Montana driving the San Francisco 49ers downfield to win Super Bowl XXIIII.  Tiger Woods putting on the 18th green at Torrey Pines. L. Ron Hubbard making up all that crazy shit about aliens. What do they all have in common?  Individuals who transcended the boundaries of space and time to perform miraculous feats on the grandest of scales.  These men (and Thetans) are the very definition of clutch.  Through their examples, and a few easy-to-follow tips, you too can learn how to keep your composure when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds.

What is clutch?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines clutch as: 1) a mechanism for transmitting rotation, 2) a nest of eggs, or 3) a woman’s handbag.  Therefore, it’s no wonder so many of baseball’s greatest players were frittata-addicted cross-dressers who constantly twirled about.  They couldn’t get enough! The next time you watch highlights of a hobbled Kirk Gibson hitting the game-winning homer in Game 1 the 1988 World Series, know that he needed to gorge on deviled eggs in the lingerie section of a Santa Monica J.C. Penny to make it happen.  Want to be like legendary Cardinals hurler Jerome “Dizzy” Dean? You’d need to ride carousels for hours before every big game to even come close. In fact, contrary to popular belief, the “Gas House Gang” got their name not so much for blue collar play and shabby uniforms, but for the egg-induced flatulence that brought many opponents to tears.

Of course, all that is just the end result of being clutch. How do you make yourself a clutch player? There are four basic tips:

1.) Pre-game preparation: Producing results in tense situations begins long before you take a game-winning swing, make a diving catch or toss a knee-buckling curveball.  No matter what obstacles you face getting to the game, you need to maintain a laser-like focus in order to get up at the big moment. This means preparing your body and your mind. Most people remember to stretch or take a light jog. While this is important, it is only half the battle. You must also mentally prepare for your big moment. Don’t forget the importance of lining your hat with aluminum foil to keep both your opponents and the federal government from reading your thoughts. Even one stray thought can betray your intentions. I can’t tell you how many called-shot-surprise-bunt moves were ruined by omitting this step.
NOTE: Most fields don’t have readily available bathrooms. This could derail you if you don’t prepare properly.

2.) Ready your equipment:  The best gloves are made of the youngest, most endangered animal skin on the black market. Don’t let Rawlings fool you with their cowhide or Nokona woo you with their kangaroo skin gloves. The Mr. October’s of the world go straight for the hide of a baby South China Tiger or a Northern White Rhinoceros. This is the good stuff. As for your bat, regardless of the material, it should require at least 10 acres of rain forest to produce. Maple bats are preferred by many major league players who believe they’re more durable and provide a harder hitting surface. Personally, I use them because, like a schizophrenic, they tend to snap easily and cause major injury to all those around them.

3.) STAY CALM!!!: Think of something encouraging.  It may help to recount a personal experience that had a positive outcome.  If I were you, I’d think about the time you ate all that expired baby food and didn’t get sick or that warm summer day with your father when he cracked the car windows before locking you in the mall parking lot for the afternoon. The bottom line is comfort. Find a happy place, believe in yourself and don’t let your team down!

4.) Entrance music:  Now that you are prepared, the last step is style. Many professionals set the mood by having entrance music. For example, Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell plays “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath before his at-bats and Yankee closer Mariano Rivera jogs out from the bullpen to Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.” I prefer “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. or anything by Korean pop star Kim Jong Kook. The key is you need to signal to the fans something big is about to happen. Also, you should try to wear as many Phiten necklaces as possible. Their secret Japanese titanium powers intimidate your average Western players.

Congratulations! You are now set to be the next Bernie Carbo, Francisco Cabrera or Joe Carter. Unfortunately, you could also be well on your way to being the next Pat Darcy, Donnie Moore or Mike Torrez. Best case scenario, the guy before you hits into a double play to end the game. It saves you from making the last out and enables you to continue your claim of never failing in the clutch!

Pirates Tips on Life advice, clutch

By Guest Author Max Bogaert.

We all know that baseball players get the most chicks. We may not possess the length of basketball players or the girth of football players, but throw on some eye black and stretchy pants, and you will be beating the ladies off with the shards of a Jake Walter broken bat.

As a proud member of the Prohibition Pirates of the Parkway, I’ve seen this miracle in action. Whether it’s Jeff Francis rejecting the lascivious offers from some potential baby’s mama at Ross Field or Chris Bettano nodding to some jailbait at Chelsea High School, even the most amateur ballplayer can snag a tasty athletic supporter.

When it comes to baseball player studs, there is one element that separates the ECABL from the Par…eh, beer league softball. If you want to snag a Pirates groupie, you need to know how to pack a lip, Chester.

Tobacco use is part of the game. All of the greats are proud supporters of the smokeless tobacco industry: Dustin Pedrioa. David Ortiz. Ed Cooney. But just like excellence on the field, it takes years of practice to master the art of appropriate dip use.

Without further ado, for all those smokeless tobacco virgins, here are some helpful hints to assist in popping your cherry and giving you balls worth the protection of your cup.

• Don’t over do it: Start out with just a small pinch. Even with an unassuming lip, women will already take notice. Trying to throw a hog in on your first try will result in disaster. It will be messy, you will panic, and you will probably swallow some of it. It only takes a few errant strands of tobacco to make you throw up like Dan Bertrand at a Saturday afternoon game in July. Much like some of the high school girls I’ve been with, it leads to taste aversion that can last.
• Pick a flavor that you like: Sure veterans like me can pack a horseshoe of Copenhagen straight. But is Skoal Berry Blend really what tickles your fancy? How about some vanilla? Sure, grape Grizzly is kind of gay, but it’s better than confirming your lack of balls as you boot all over yourself during warm-ups. If you do choose one of these wussier flavors, pack it in the car before you get out. All of the manly appearance with none of the judgment.
• Learn to love it: Once you get over the delightful head buzz, try to become more comfortable with your newest leafy green. Now that you can sit on the bench without throwing up, how about taking some BP? Or maybe play some catch? Is your technique still weak? Pack that lip on the drive to the game if you’re concerned about embarrassing yourself. It’s all about image, gentlemen.
• Quit whenever you want: It’s no secret that health officials, mothers, and Saad will all tell you you’re going to get cancer. Don’t listen to them. Use tobacco until you’re content, then move on to another habit. Never forget, you can quit whenever you want.

There you go, gentlemen. Now that you have some of a veteran’s knowledge, go out there and snag yourself a morally casual, amateur-baseball groupie.

Oh yeah. You’re welcome.

Pirates Tips on Life advice, amateur, baseball, ECABL, Max Bogaert, Saad Khalid, tobacco, women